As Fi Bows to Peer Pressure

It was Prom 57 tonight (not 57 for me, that would be a tad excessive, but the 57th Prom this season/year) and it boasted an impressive orchestra - the New York Philharmonic - playing an even more impressive selection to a packed audience.

Gershwin’s Piano Concerto in F Major was on the agenda, as was Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring, but first up was the world premiere of a BBC/New York Philharmonic commissioned work by Steven Stucky called Rhapsodies. While I enjoyed it, and it was ten times better than the overly modern pieces that have premiered this year at the Proms I’ve been at, I’m not sure I felt much from it.

Gershwin, however, was perfect and I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing, got completely and totally wrapped up in it. I had forgotten how much I loved the quirkiness of his music.

Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring was a grand contrast to the first two and the sound was so deep around Royal Albert Hall. It was the first time I’d heard it played live (as with the Gershwin) but with this it sounded so much more alive and different to how it does as a recording. It was, wait for it, a beautiful cacophony of melodic delirium and dissonance and I loved it.

And that is all for tonight . . .

I’m feeling more like myself tonight, helped by a day working at home and an evening spent at the pub with Jess catching up on life, love and all things. Work’s website needed attending to, one of my many “fascinating” tasks, and that was followed by 50 lengths of the pool (my current average), a dip in the spa pool and a few minutes in the steam room. Steam rooms are very hot.

We tried the Marlborough Arms, just off Tottenham Court Rd, tonight and I’m pleased to say it was a great success. A large pub with a newly refurbished interior, it had a large variety of drinks and we had no problem finding a table despite it being fairly full. Staff were lovely and the prices weren’t bad either so all in all a great other local.

Tomorrow I am off to see the New York Philharmonic play Gershwin’s Piano Concerto in F Major and Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring at the Royal Albert Hall as part of the Proms season. I *LOVE* the Proms and firmly believe that this is one of the best British/London institutions. M(attias), my Swedish flatmate, and I will pay 5 pounds (that’s two to three cups of coffee here) for this pleasure and that’s a bargain if ever I heard one. Beautiful music in an amazing venue, what more could I ask for?

In other news, I am a tad worried about the ever-more-concerning issues in the Caucasus and in particular Russia’s involvement. We live in “interesting” times. And lastly I’m outting myself as an Obama supporter, I was never really a Clinton fan at all, and it’s fascinating to watch the changing face of US politics through this campaign. But bed calls for now . . .

I am pondering whether it is time to move on again- I’m not too sure what from exactly. There’s lots of things, including my job, and maybe it’s just a feeling of restlessness. It’s been a while since I lived in one house for more than nine months and I feel settled, but for some reason I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I’m not sure I’m meant to be settled. This year has been very very odd for me and I guess I’m growing up, realising more about what makes me tick, but also realising some of my more serious failures. Summer’s an odd time to ponder this, but maybe it’s easier then.

There’s a lot of maybes in this. I’ll keep mulling it over and let you know . . .

These will be added to my sidebar eventually but for now here are some of the ‘web 2.0′ sites I use for various things.

Facebook - Primary social networking site
MySpace - For those people who refuse to use Facebook (checked on a monthly-ish basis)
Bebo - I refuse to use this at all regularly as it drives me bananas but I have the page for those Kiwis who still haven’t moved onto Facebook yet.
Orkut - More of that social networking. It’s Luiz’s, Livia’s and Dany’s fault this time (you know I love you guys!)

Webshots - All my photos are here.

TakingItGlobal - youth activism networking organisation/site (and a special one for me - I’ve been involved with them for a while now)

LinkedIn - Professional networking - imagine your CV online.

Twitter - Micro-blogging service

Last FM - UK based internet radio and music community site. Necessary for expanding my music collection.

Goodreads - A book version of last.fm, brilliant for finding more books to add to my shelves when my non-specific shopping becomes dangerous.

And of course this baby - my blog - which I update as often as I can (read - less often than I want to).

I realise this makes me somewhat of an internet geek :o)

I run away when faced with things I don’t want to understand. I literally run away, taking my shoes off and dashing down a street to cry somewhere where people can’t see me. I have done all my life. I am determined, however, that tonight will be the last time I literally run away because it never solves any problems and always causes me more.

I get angry at silly things and when I’m tired and/or stressed my anger gets out of control and I do things that hurt other people. I also do things that hurt myself. Neither of these are good situations and I don’t want to be this person anymore. I was telling Adam last night in an email how much I need to learn patience and I think possibly self-control needs to be added to that too.

I am passionate and intense and while this can be a huge positive in the areas I want to work in, it’s been hugely draining for the other person in many past relationships. I don’t know how to deal with this.

I expect a lot from certain people and am easily upset when they’re not there for me. This makes me a nightmare friend sometimes. For other friends I am scared of letting them in because they have so much else to deal with - it feels like my problems will only weigh them down.

I like to think I’m strong and mature but often I feel the complete opposite.

I try very hard to be perfect and fail miserably all the time and seem to take this failure far too personally. If I was meant to be perfect, I wouldn’t be going through the mess of being human, right God?

I let people take advantage of me because I’d rather do that than compromise friendships and this makes me a bit bitter sometimes. I need to be a little more careful and almost selfish sometimes.

I guess this list could go on but I wanted to write what I was thinking so I’d have marker in the sand for this . . . and maybe one day someone will look at it and realise they’re not the only one who screws up and occasionally feels like they fail at life.

Tomorrow I go to Paris for the beginning of my second summer holiday but these are the thoughts that are clouding my mind. I wish I had all the answers for being happy, and strong, and slow to anger, and everything else, but I guess it’s the learning these things through a slow, and rather painful, process that makes us the people we are.