Friday, August 01, 2008

About me

I run away when faced with things I don't want to understand. I literally run away, taking my shoes off and dashing down a street to cry somewhere where people can't see me. I have done all my life. I am determined, however, that tonight will be the last time I literally run away because it never solves any problems and always causes me more.

I get angry at silly things and when I'm tired and/or stressed my anger gets out of control and I do things that hurt other people. I also do things that hurt myself. Neither of these are good situations and I don't want to be this person anymore. I was telling Adam last night in an email how much I need to learn patience and I think possibly self-control needs to be added to that too.

I am passionate and intense and while this can be a huge positive in the areas I want to work in, it's been hugely draining for the other person in many past relationships. I don't know how to deal with this.

I expect a lot from certain people and am easily upset when they're not there for me. This makes me a nightmare friend sometimes. For other friends I am scared of letting them in because they have so much else to deal with - it feels like my problems will only weigh them down.

I like to think I'm strong and mature but often I feel the complete opposite.

I try very hard to be perfect and fail miserably all the time and seem to take this failure far too personally. If I was meant to be perfect, I wouldn't be going through the mess of being human, right God?

I let people take advantage of me because I'd rather do that than compromise friendships and this makes me a bit bitter sometimes. I need to be a little more careful and almost selfish sometimes.

I guess this list could go on but I wanted to write what I was thinking so I'd have marker in the sand for this . . . and maybe one day someone will look at it and realise they're not the only one who screws up and occasionally feels like they fail at life.

Tomorrow I go to Paris for the beginning of my second summer holiday but these are the thoughts that are clouding my mind. I wish I had all the answers for being happy, and strong, and slow to anger, and everything else, but I guess it's the learning these things through a slow, and rather painful, process that makes us the people we are.


Posted by Fi McKenzie at 00:53:20 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Monday, June 23, 2008

Zimbabwe

I'm following the Guardian blog on the situation in Zimbabwe and thought it might be a good idea to post a link to it for anyone else interested - of particular note:

"While we wait for top table international action to grind into action, what practical steps can be taken? A British MP says this: customers of Halifax Bank of Scotland (HBOS) and the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) should threaten to withdraw their business since HBOS and RBS are also clients of the German-based firm Giesecke and Devrient... which prints money for Mugabe."

There's also a really interesting article from the New York Times on some of the activist killings.

"In Chaona, a village in Mashonaland Central Province, a man named Fredrick said he was among 10 suspected opposition supporters tortured for five hours under a tree. One man was caught while trying to escape. “They tied his genitals with an elastic band and beat him until he passed out and died,” said Fredrick, who asked that his last name not be used in order to protect himself. He said a second man was killed after his tormentors dripped bubbles of burning plastic on his naked body."

[Edited at 12:30pm] New link - http://www.sokwanele.com/thisiszimbabwe/

If you're someone who prays - then keep Zimbabwe, its opposition party supporters and governance in your prayers.

Posted by Fi McKenzie at 12:22:37 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Monday, May 12, 2008

Workity work work work

So a few people seem to be wondering what exactly it is I do for the Church of England - other than conference organising and other stuff. The subject matter I deal with has just come up in The Sunday Telegraph and I thought I'd share it with you so you get an idea of the crazy things (or not-so-crazy things) I do -

Last updated: 12:30 AM BST 11/05/2008

Britain will lose up to a fifth of its churches in the space of a generation unless action is taken to halt the decline, according to new research.

The number of churches is forecast to fall from 48,500 now to only 39,200 in 2030.


Today church leaders warn that the crisis threatens to devastate parishes, depriving local communities of important focal points. Conservationists said Britain was in danger of losing a large slice of its built heritage.


Responding to these concerns, the Telegraph is launching a campaign to save thousands of the nation's churches from disappearing forever.


The threat is clear:

  • Two churches are being closed down every week
  • At least £1 billion is needed to repair all listed places of worship over the next five years
  • Yet the Government spends just £25 million a year on repairs – far less than the £200 million needed
  • Churches claim that local authorities discriminate against church-based community projects, reducing income still further
  • Planned EU changes to VAT rules for repairs could see churches having to find another £10 million every year.

But the decline is not inevitable. Increases in government grants to repair churches and to back their community work, and minor changes to planning law, could head off the crisis.


The Rt Rev Stephen Lowe, Bishop for Urban Life and Faith, today backed The Sunday Telegraph's Save our Churches campaign, saying it was scandalous that the Church of England has to devote a sixth of its annual budget to maintaining its historic buildings on behalf of the nation.


Bishop Lowe accused the Government of lacking imagination in taking advantage of church buildings.

"We don't want to just preserve these buildings, but to open them up. They should be used seven days a week, rather than for just a few hours on a Sunday," he said.


Around 13,000 of the country's 14,500 listed places of worship are Church of England premises, yet the Church currently receives only around £40 million in repair grants – half government money from English Heritage, half from the Heritage Lottery Fund.


Congregations provide a further £70 million toward maintenance of their buildings, leaving a £75 million shortfall. If the gap isn't filled soon, churches warn that large numbers of buildings will fall into disrepair.


Last year, Gordon Brown promised in the Spending Review to examine what help the Government could give to churches, which he acknowledged remained "at the heart of so many communities".


Hugo Swire, the shadow culture secretary, yesterday lent his support to the campaign and called on ministers to work closer with churches to come up with a long-term solution.


"Churches are not only very often architecturally distinguished, but they also play a key role in rural life," he said. "Church closures rip the heart out of the local community, but it is quite clear that they can not be expected to sustain this huge bill."


The Campaign to Protect Rural England (CPRE) also backed the campaign. Kate Gordon, its senior planning officer, said: "Places of worship account for much of our finest heritage, yet maintaining these buildings is often prohibitively expensive."


Leading church figures claim that local authorities discriminate against appeals from churches for money for community projects, cutting off a revenue stream which could indirectly help pay for the maintenance.


One senior member of the General Synod – the Church's parliament – said churches faced "barriers of prejudice".

Crispin Truman, the chief executive of the Churches Conservation Trust, said: "Churches need to be adapted so that they are relevant to their communities. It must be done sensitively, but there must be small sacrifices if we are to save our heritage for the future.


"They can be an agent for social change and a place for people to meet. It is crucial that we keep them and help prevent society from fracturing even further."



Story from Telegraph News:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1944745/One-in-five-churches-faces-being-lost.html
Posted by Fi McKenzie at 10:20:36 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Friday, May 02, 2008

I voted for Ken

I'm in a bad mood. It's been a long and awful week and now everything points to a new London Mayor by the name of Boris. Grrrrr . . .

There is now almost 100,000 votes between Ken and Boris and almost all my hopes are gone. I had to think a bit about my vote for this election because Boris seemed like a good guy with some actual charisma and he rides a bike, which proves some level of insanity. But that's why I'm not so happy with him - I think he might be all spark and no actual usefulness and when it comes down to it the leftie roots in me trust Ken more than I trust Boris to deliver on the social things that this city so desperately needs.

I guess, in the end, I won't actually leave the country because of any new Mayor, desite his political hue but today has made me rather disappointed in the British public - who are all these people that vote BNP and why do they do it?

End of rant . . .
Posted by Fi McKenzie at 23:25:37 | Permanent Link | Comments (3) |

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Media freedom in Fiji

More about this later when I get home but I'm outraged at the continuing insanity in Fiji. The latest being the shutdown of freedom of speech.

"Over the past year some media reporting have left much to be desired and some reports have been careless, irresponsible and some in fact have been inciteful and destabilizing, posing a threat to national security and stability," Bainimarama said.


They were intent on "sowing discontent and discord in name of media freedom". He demanded that media abide by a code of ethics and stop their "confrontational and negative" reporting.

The website of the top circulation daily, The Fiji Times, reports police and immigration officials have taken their publisher, Australian citizen Evan Hannah, from his home in the Suva suburb of Tamavua.

This is our backyard and it's falling apart. I'll explain more later and discuss some of the other problems but this just makes me outraged that the whole thing is continuing.

Posted by Fi McKenzie at 11:11:34 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

A Day Off

I have today off work. I am going to Sir Ed's remembrance service at Windsor Castle (I have a pretty invitation from Buckingham Palace) to hang out with loads of other Kiwis (they've invited like 400 of us I hear) and remember a pretty cool and inspiring guy. I'm pretty stoked at the opportunity.

Off to tidy room now. Grand.
Posted by Fi McKenzie at 00:21:55 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Rejection and love

I had this thought on Sunday - why is it that we get so disheartened by rejection (by people, jobs etc.) and yet often completely forget about (or wilfully ignore) the one and only thing that has never and will never reject us - God. Not only does He never reject us but welcomes us with open arms whenever we come to Him in a way that no other person ever will - unconditional love despite all we've done, despite the many times I've screwed up I'm still loved unconditionally by God. It's hard to remember it when you're feeling completely idiotic for ever thinking you'd have a chance at that job or with that person but I guess it's probably the most important thing to remember because without it it can be really difficult to stay hopeful.

This passed nicely onto the topic of Sunday sermon at church which was about what it meant to love God. To be honst I got caught up in the first bit of the sermon and while I took the rest in I was left dwelling on the examples the speaker gave. He talked about 9/11 and the people who rang family and friends from the Towers, the Pennsylvania flight and the Pentagon. None of them rang with messages of hurt, of hate, of rejection - they talked of love. When it comes to it love is the answer in today's world. God's love, love for others, love for yourself (in the knowledge that God formed you in his image) . . .

Frankly I can't imagine being in that situation and I hope I never am but I know that should I ever be, I won't be thinking about the times in life when I felt rejected because I'll be thinking about those I love and those that love me . . . as well as the one true God who is always ready to welcome me with open arms. What is rejection when faced with unconditional love?

"In case I never see you again, I want you to know I love y'all very very much, that the plane has been taken over by hijackers . . . and then I said well we love you very much too Mark, let me go get your mother" - 9/11 families speaking about their calls from loved ones in the song I Believe from "Let's Roll" (James Curlin)
Posted by Fi McKenzie at 00:13:21 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Grace

I don't feel like I can explain the importance of today in my own words tonight and so I'm posting a song/video instead.

Today is a Happy Day!


alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/qjJrbB8vxR4&hl=en
Posted by Fi McKenzie at 22:41:21 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |